Lost in loving — Found in leaving (journal notes at the last day of my marriage) 12/26/15

the time has come

to look into your eyes

to say things lovers shouldn’t say

good-bye my love

I will leave you now

with the unsolved mystery I am to you

I hate to see you cling alone

to a forced vulnerability

you lashed you gnashed

what other could I expect

you shamed and blamed

belittled with names

that I’m my fathers son

as only you could

who knew more than any

the most vulnerable

places in my me

a necessary meanness

from your pain

to turn me

to shake me

to rate me

enter: your other you

quiet, humble, listening

wishing, advising, promising

pleading, still and quiet

with eyes soft that

I have not seen in years.

a quietness I don’t think

I’ve ever heard come from you

too late because I left you

a long while

before I’m leaving you now

have you not felt this

did you not know

we sit heads low

while you reminisce how

I was the one and only

and that you felt like

the luckiest girl in the world.

that no one ever loved you as I did

while inside I agree and wonder

yes.

I did

and you were

and I never knew

but I lost myself in loving you

and am finding myself

in leaving

we beat the odds

and built a village

using each other as our only tools

until we were spent and used

I am sorry it will end this way

sorry for you

sorry for myself

we have outlived us

no longer to mutually share

a life of mutuality and love

reproducing only blame and shame

be well

find love

and I will do the same